YES, THIS JUST ABOUT SUMS UP HOW I FEEL ANYTIME I TRY TO DO ANYTHING LATELY....
I figured I would check in with you guys and let you know that I am still alive...unfortunately I've not been feeling too good here lately (tired with absolutely no energy whatsoever) and I've got that stupid writers block thing again. I can be lying in bed at midnight and come up with some of the greatest things that I could write about, fall asleep and by morning...I'm like..whatever. I'm just blah. Could it be that I'm almost 6 months pregnant and the baby is already taking over every aspect of my life? My thoughts? My feelings? Yes, I believe so!
Most of the time I'm day dreaming about what he is going to look like. What the delivery will be like. My life when we come home from the hospital. I'm so excited and anxious and READY. My thoughts have been taken over by this little being that I have not even met yet but already feel like I know. His name is going to be Caleb Hudson Turner. I imagine that he is going to be the cutest brown eyed, brown haired baby ever to present itself to this world. I imagine a pretty good set of lungs on this fella as well...seeing as how his mama has got a bit of a loud mouth herself at times.
There have been so many times in my life, especially within the last few years, that I have felt the need for something different in my life. I have felt like if this is all that is...what am I going to do with myself? And I don't mean my life as a wife. I mean my life on the side of being the wife to such an amazing husband. I've wondered... what if I cannot make a career out of writing? What if I never find the motivation to really get it done? I knew for certain that I did not want to just exist. I wanted hobbies, new adventures, things to stimulate and expand my mind rather than hallucinating drugs. KIDDING. I am 31 years old. I knew that if I was going to do anything with myself than this was the time. Honestly, I felt lost.
Then in the beginning of May...something unexpected happened. I found out I was pregnant. PREGNANT. Something I did not thing could happen! Something in the back of my mind I wanted so very much but knew that it was a long shot. I was on birth control mind you and it still happened. Thats why I have to wonder if that saying "if it's meant to be, than it will be no matter what" has a little truth to it. To have a child with the person that I love the most, more than anything else in this world, is something I have never experienced before and I have 2 little boys from a previous marriage. (But that is another story all in itself.) And even though I love them more than life itself, I wanted something with my husband that I never got to experience before. I felt a little cheated that I found someone as wonderful as he is this late in life and having a child with him would be next to impossible considering my past health problems. Well, it happened anyway....and since May I've had a whole other life to get ready for. I am no longer lost. I've got till December to get ready for this little boy that I am going ot bring into this world and get to take care of. Oh I am sure I will sit there at 3 a.m. one night rocking him to sleep after having gone days with no sleep, wishing that I had the quiet life of just Joey and me and 3 boys that are big enough now that they don't constantly need me every minute again. I am sure that there will be times when I ask myself...who am I other than a wife and a mother? But then I will have to remind myself that this is just WHO I am and I'm proud to be just that, ya know? That is truly a remarkable thing to be. I am not a nobody with a going nowhere career. I am a WIFE and a MOTHER. Geez...that's a career all on it own. It keeps me busy enough and never seems to end so I think I've got the career thing down!
As for my writing...I will never give up. I may not ever be a Stephen King or an Ann Rule but I suppose being Amber Turner isn't such a bad thing...and I suppose that even if I never get to write that best-selling novel I will always have this blog and I will always have little sample writings here and there. There are things in life we just have to accept. Screwing off in my 20's is just one of those things and the consequences are that because I screwed off so much, I let A LOT of time go to waste. But so what right? I've still got plently of time! Even if I have to wait till all the boys are out on their own...as long as I am still alive...I will always have my writing to turn to. I just need to keep the motivation. Keep the thoughts that even if I'm not ever good enough to truly make it as a writer, at least I am doing what I enjoy, AND I have accomplished so much more as a woman.
Just some things that were on my mind. I usually don't use my blog for personal thoughts but I figured I better write something or the readers I do have would forget me all together and move on to other bloggers who actually DO write...
yeah I got nothing y'all! Sorry!
MORE TO COME I PROMISE!